Marrying Someone from a Different Culture: What You Should Know Before Building a Life Together

One of the most common mistakes in intercultural relationships is to explain a partner’s behavior too quickly through nationality. “Iranians are just like that.” “Germans are cold.” “Americans are too individualistic.” “Iranian families always interfere in their children’s lives.”

These statements may sound like easy explanations, but real life is far more complicated. Research in cross-cultural psychology and relationships shows that there can be enormous differences between people from the same country or cultural background.

Two Iranian families may have completely different views on marriage, money, religion, privacy, or children’s independence. The same is true of two German, French, American, Turkish, Indian, or any other families.

Generation, education, social class, religion, migration experience, family history, personality, and the environment in which someone grew up can all influence how they behave in a relationship. So if you are considering marrying someone from another culture, do not only ask: “What is your culture like?” A much more useful question is: “What kind of family did you grow up in, and what feels normal and important to you in a relationship?”

Language in an intercultural marriage is about much more than ordering food or handling daily tasks. Language is connected to childhood, memories, humor, family, intimacy, and emotion. An Iranian may have lived in Germany for many years and speak fluent German, yet still feel that Persian expresses certain emotions, memories, or frustrations more naturally.

Research on immigrant couples has shown that significant differences in language ability between partners can also affect the relationship. The reason is not only emotional communication.

Imagine that one person speaks the local language much better. They handle government paperwork, speak to banks and doctors, read contracts, manage appointments, and have a larger local social network. Over time, the other partner may become dependent on them. So learning the language of the country where you live can also be connected to independence and the balance of power within the relationship.

The reverse situation matters too. An Iranian partner should think about how their non-Iranian partner feels in Persian-speaking family gatherings. If everyone speaks Persian for several hours and your partner understands almost nothing, they may begin to feel like a stranger inside your family. That does not mean every conversation needs to switch languages. But translating important parts, explaining jokes, and actively including your partner can make a major difference.

In many Iranian families, family relationships play a very important role in everyday life. Frequent phone calls, family gatherings, financial support, asking relatives for advice, and helping parents or siblings may feel completely normal. For a non-Iranian partner who grew up with different family boundaries, some of these behaviors may be unfamiliar.

They may wonder: Why does your mother call every day? Why do we need to discuss a personal decision with your family? Why do your parents stay with us for several weeks when they visit? Why does your family know about an argument that happened between the two of us?

At the same time, the Iranian partner may be equally confused: How can you speak to your parents only once every few weeks? Why do parents need to arrange a visit in advance? Why do you not want my family to stay with us for a longer period?

None of these behaviors automatically means that someone loves their family more or less. Research on Iranian migrants also shows a complex picture. For some people, geographical distance from family pressure or interference improved their relationship. For others, being far from family and losing their support became a major source of emotional stress. So the solution is neither to remove family from your life nor to allow unlimited involvement.

The couple needs to define the boundaries of their own relationship.

Before marriage, it is worth discussing topics such as how often you communicate with family, how long relatives may stay in your home, financial support for parents, and how much information about your private relationship should be shared with others.

Sometimes the biggest challenge in an intercultural marriage does not come from the couple themselves. It comes from the people around them. An Iranian family may feel uncertain about their child marrying someone from another culture. A non-Iranian family may know very little about Iran and may have assumptions shaped by stereotypes or media coverage. Religion, language, ethnicity, or future children may create additional concerns.

Research on intercultural relationships suggests that social approval and support from family and friends can be associated with relationship quality. That is why saying: “It doesn’t matter what anyone thinks. It is just the two of us.”

may not always reflect real life. The two of you are the center of the relationship, but you do not live in a vacuum. A healthier goal is to allow families to remain part of your life without giving them the power to make decisions for your marriage.

One of the most important subjects to discuss before marriage is what each person expects from the roles of men and women in the relationship. Nationality alone cannot answer this question. Not every Iranian man has traditional expectations, and not every non-Iranian partner automatically believes in equal division of responsibilities. Research on Iranian migrants shows that migration can sometimes change traditional gender roles.

A person who did not work before migration may enter the workforce. The relative income of the partners may change. The laws and social expectations of the new country may also influence how responsibilities are divided. These changes can strengthen some relationships and create tension in others. Before marriage, talk about practical questions: Who cooks? Who cleans? What happens if both of us work full-time? If we have children, who reduces their working hours? What happens if the woman earns significantly more than the man? Would either of us move to another country for the other person’s career?

Research on family life suggests that the mathematical division of tasks is not the only thing that matters. The feeling that responsibilities are being divided fairly is also important. So everything does not necessarily need to be exactly 50/50. What matters is that neither person feels that an unfair share of the burden has fallen on them.

Money is one of the most common sources of conflict in relationships. In an intercultural marriage, the definition of “financial fairness” may also be different between partners. For one person, paying for their partner at a restaurant may be an expression of love. For another, splitting the bill may represent equality and independence. One person may believe that after marriage all income belongs to both partners.

The other may strongly prefer maintaining separate personal accounts. Another important issue for many migrant families is financial support for relatives in the country of origin. If one partner wants to send money to family in Iran every month, is that a personal decision or a joint decision? What if a parent or sibling experiences a financial crisis? How much responsibility do you have to help?

Research on financial disagreements between couples shows that many arguments about money eventually come back to two questions: What is fair? and What is each person responsible for?

Talk about income, debt, savings, spending, and financial support for family before marriage. Do not wait until the first financial crisis.

Some couples assume religion is irrelevant because neither person is particularly religious during the dating stage. Then marriage or children become more serious possibilities, and new questions suddenly appear. Will there be a religious wedding ceremony? What happens if the Iranian family expects a religious marriage contract? How will children be raised? Will circumcision be expected? Are there religious dietary rules? What role will Ramadan, Christmas, Nowruz, or other religious and cultural holidays have in the home? What happens when a family member dies and funeral traditions become relevant?

Research does not suggest that belonging to one particular religion automatically determines whether a marriage will be successful. What can create difficulty is a large difference in beliefs and expectations that was never discussed beforehand. If one of you is religious and the other is not, disagreement itself is not necessarily the problem. The bigger problem is when each person quietly assumes that the other will change later.

In many intercultural marriages, one partner moves to another country in order to build a life together. This can have a major effect on the relationship. Imagine an Iranian person moves to their partner’s country.

The local partner speaks the language, has family and friends nearby, understands the bureaucracy, has a work history, and may also have a more secure residence status. The immigrant partner may initially depend on them for many parts of daily life. This dependency can involve finances, translation, transportation, administrative tasks, and social relationships. Research on Iranian migration suggests that language barriers, employment difficulties, culture shock, reduced social networks, and discrimination can all interact with emotional and family life.

So when a relationship becomes more stressful after migration, the problem is not always the love between two people. Sometimes the couple is dealing with pressure coming from outside the relationship. If your partner moved countries to build a life with you, one of the most valuable things you can do is help them build independence. Learning the language, finding friends, studying, working, and developing an independent social life can benefit both the individual and the relationship.

For an Iranian and non-Iranian couple, having a child can reveal a completely new layer of cultural questions. Will the child learn Persian? Which language will each parent speak with them? What happens if the non-Iranian parent does not understand Persian? Will the child be able to communicate directly with Iranian grandparents? Will the child have an Iranian name, an international name, or something that works in both cultures? Will you celebrate Nowruz? How will the child understand their Iranian identity and the identity of the other side of the family?

Research on multilingual families shows that the amount of exposure children receive to each language and the way languages are used at home can influence language development. For an Iranian parent, Persian may be much more than an additional language. It can be the child’s direct connection to grandparents, music, stories, humor, literature, and part of their family history.

At the same time, the non-Iranian parent should not feel excluded from part of their own family life because conversations between their partner and child happen in a language they cannot understand. The best approach is to discuss your family language strategy consciously rather than waiting until after the child is born.

For many non-Iranians, taarof is one of the most fascinating and confusing parts of Iranian culture. A host says: “Please stay for dinner.” The guest says: “No, thank you.” The host insists. The guest refuses again.

And at some point, everyone familiar with the culture seems to understand whether the invitation and refusal are still part of polite ritual or whether someone is giving their real answer. For a person who did not grow up with these social rules, none of this is necessarily obvious. The same thing can happen when paying in restaurants, exchanging gifts, receiving guests, offering help, or showing respect toward older family members. If you are Iranian, do not expect your partner to discover these rules automatically. Sometimes you need to become a translator of your own culture. And if you are marrying an Iranian, you do not need to memorize every cultural rule. It is enough to stay curious and ask what an unfamiliar behavior means.

There is, however, an important boundary:

Culture can help explain behavior, but it cannot justify every behavior.

Controlling a partner, humiliating them, threatening them, using violence, restricting their friendships, controlling their finances, or treating them disrespectfully should not be excused by saying, “That is just how our culture works.”

One of the most important conclusions from research on intercultural couples is that nationality is not always the most meaningful difference between two people. Two people may come from opposite sides of the world and still share very similar values. Both may value independence. Both may want children. Both may have similar ideas about money. Both may love their families while also believing in clear boundaries. Both may have similar attitudes toward religion. On the other hand, two people who grew up in the same Iranian city may strongly disagree about every one of those things. So before marriage, do not only compare cultures. Compare your values.

Many couples spend hours discussing the wedding and surprisingly little time discussing what everyday life will look like after the wedding. Choose a calm evening and ask each other questions without trying to find the “correct” answer: What role does family have in your life? How often would you like to see or speak to your family? What happens if one family does not support the marriage? What parts of our relationship should remain private? If our parents visit for several weeks, will they stay in our home? How will we manage money? Will we have a joint bank account? If one person earns significantly more, how should expenses be divided? Will financial support for our families be part of our budget? How will housework be divided? Do we both want children? Which languages will our children learn? What role will religion have in our home? How will we divide Nowruz, Christmas, and other family holidays? What happens if one of us wants to move to another country one day? What responsibilities will we have if our parents become older and need care? When you are angry, do you prefer to talk immediately or have some space first? What makes you feel loved? What are your non-negotiable boundaries in a relationship?

Your answers do not need to be identical. In fact, discovering disagreement before marriage can be extremely useful. The more important question is whether you are able to negotiate those differences respectfully.

One of the most interesting ideas that appears in research on intercultural relationships is that successful couples do not necessarily choose between living according to one culture or the other. Over time, they create something new. A small culture of their own family. Your home might have a Haft-Seen table and a Christmas tree. Your children may speak Persian as well as the language of their other parent. You may keep some Iranian family traditions and leave others behind. Your non-Iranian partner may bring traditions into your life that eventually become just as meaningful to you. And many of the rules of your family may be created by the two of you for the first time.

Research on intercultural couples, as well as studies involving Iranian migrants, suggests that developing this kind of shared identity can become one of the strengths of an intercultural relationship.

After reviewing the available research, the Abhavij team does not believe this question has a simple yes-or-no answer. An intercultural marriage may introduce additional challenges: language, migration, different family expectations, residence and immigration rules, religion, gender roles, or even the way society reacts to the relationship.

But existing research does not suggest that simply having different nationalities automatically makes a relationship weaker. Many of the problems we describe as “cultural differences” eventually come down to much more universal human questions: Can we talk to each other? Do we actually listen? Can we disagree without humiliating each other? Are we genuinely curious about the other person’s world? Can our families remain part of our lives without making decisions for us? Do both partners have independence, respect, and a voice in the relationship? And are we willing to reconsider some of the things we have always assumed were simply “normal”?

An intercultural marriage should not require an Iranian person to become less Iranian. Nor should it require a non-Iranian partner to gradually become Iranian. The goal is not for one culture to win. Perhaps one of the most beautiful possibilities of an intercultural relationship is that two people get the chance to create something that did not exist before they met:

a family with a culture of its own.